So this is my first ever post on reddit, I've been lurking for years mostly on /pettyrevenge and I used to lurk on /nosleep as well (back when sixpenceee of tumblr stole all their posts from that subreddit).

I have an uncle who, coincidentally, his name is Kevin, but I swear to whatever gods you might believe in he deserves to be on this sub. Uncle Kevin is a "troubled" middle child on my father's side, and he has… literally never gotten his shit together, from what I have heard from my father and Aunt.

What follows is a rough list of the "Kevin-like" things about him.

  • Kevin reportedly had a great singing voice in his youth, back before camcorders (and, y'know, smartphones) were commonplace. Then he smoked a bunch of cigarettes and got a cancer in his throat (larynx IIRC) and his voice sounds like a dying horse now. On the bright side he quit smoking but he does drink excessively.

  • Kevin got tickets to a basketball game for himself, my father, my brother, and my grandmother's… gentleman friend (they're totally not gettin' it, sure) Kevin said it was a boys' night. Sure, okay.
    Kevin got more tickets, and invited his wife and my grandmother. He did not invite my mother or myself.
    He does not understand why my mother is so pissed off about this.

  • My aunt and cousin were visiting from out of town. My cousin currently goes to MSD High School. She went back in February. If you don't know what I'm getting at here… Google "Parkland High School" you'll find out.
    Kevin decided it'd be fucking HILARIOUS to show my aunt and cousin a comedy sketch about a mass murderer who used guns to shoot up public spaces.
    Kevin doesn't understand why my aunt stole the phone from him and closed out of YouTube before my cousin could see it. He literally Does Not Get It. Even my dad, who has some of the driest, darkest sense of black comedy, told his brother "that's not fucking cool, dude." Kevin still did not and does not understand. He thought it was funny, why can't we loosen up a little! (One of my cousin's friends DIED, thank you very much)

  • Kevin got married long after his older brother and younger sister, and then failed to conceive a child with his wife for YEARS. This in itself is not qualifying of a Kevin, but his behavior now that he HAS a child… I believe it qualifies.

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His child. This poor, poor five year old. Let's call his child Xander. Kevin often laments to my parents about how hard it is to raise a child… My older brother is physically disabled. I have many mental illnesses. His child, as far as we can tell, is relatively normal development wise. And he's like five now. The only weird thing about this kid is he doesn't like the word "no" and he still sleeps in his parents' room. Like, his bedroom has no bed.

"But it's so haaaard he wants so many things he kept us up at night when he was a baby"

YEAH, KEVIN, THAT'S WHAT KIDS DO.

Oh, bonus with regards to poor baby Xander! We had a family get together about a week ago and I was dragged into playing Splatoon2 with Xander which, sure, cool, even if he's dead weight I'm keeping him from being obnoxious to other people in the house, cool. Here's the thing though: the kid was actually good at Splatoon2! … Kinda.

He only focused on getting kills and he got This close to swearing multiple times, and even dropped a "shit!" right in front of me. While still playing I said, "did I say that word?" (I have a sailor's mouth, I'll admit, but I kept it G rated in front of this lil guy), and he went "no." So I asked, "does your daddy say that word?" and he sheepishly responded "… no…" which is, y'know, a yes. And like I said, this kid focused only on killing and he is a SORE sore loser. Splatoon is one of the only "violent" series where killing is not required (insert Undertale joke here) and Xander could not care LESS about that.

So I took a break from playing Splatoon2, much to the ire of this obnoxious five year old, and asked Kevin, "do you swear in front of him?" "Oh I try not to but sometimes he watches me play Call of Duty and it slips out–"

Hold that fucking thought, Kevin. YOU PLAY CALL OF DUTY WHERE YOUR TODDLER CAN SEE IT?! No wonder he's a little shit!

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Outside of the larynx cancer, these are all things that occurred in the past month. I could go on and on about what a Peak Kevin(tm) this man is.

I apologize if this is a rambling mess, like I said, I'm new to actually making posts here.

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