Hello. I'm looking for a fellow writer to alpha-read/critique one chapter of my League of Legends fan fiction novel which I'm writing mainly as practice.
I'll happily critique a chapter of your story, or multiple chapters of equal length (my chapter is around 5,600 words) in exchange.
Inside knowledge is preferred, but not necessary, since I'm more concerned about elements such as pacing, flow, dialog, word choice, and balance of detail and action. (Below are specific things that I'm looking for).
Quick Summary and Context
The story is established on the game's new lore. It follows the journey of two characters: Ekko in the aftermath of a failed attempt to turn back time and save his dead friends and best friend, Ajuna, which mysteriously brings him to Shurima, and Taliyah in her journey to reunite with her tribe and protect them after witnessing Xerath's desolation of the Shuriman town of Vekaura.
Both are on their own personal paths to redemption, set on the turbulently changing southern continent of Shurima, now torn apart by Azir's ascended empire, Xerath's thralls, Noxian expansionism, Piltovian prospect, and unnameable things from the Icathian border.
Their paths converge when Taliyah finds an unconscious Ekko half-buried by the foot of an eerie monolith, and, after a fearful awakening and a brief exchange within the safety of a cave, offers to bring Ekko to the Shuriman capital to help find a guide that would bring him back to his home, Zaun (which isn't what Ekko really wants. His actual motivation hasn't changed, and that is, going back in time to save his friends, but he doesn't reveal this nor the whole story behind his attempt to save them to Taliyah.)
The chapter in particular details Ekko's perspective while rocksurfing with Taliyah after evading an unnatural and massive force that seemed drawn to the monolith where he arrived. They're on an unsure heading and Taliyah and Ekko just had a talk about the former's powers since she had accidentally (and violently) revealed it to him.
That's about all the context needed for this chapter. The story is written from Ekko and Taliyah's perspective in the first person, so their POVs alternate throughout the story. The chapter is in Ekko's.
Things I need to know
Though it's set heavily on its lore and the established world-building, I just need to a know some specific things:
- Is the pacing too fast or too slow?
- Is the narration easy to follow? Are there any awkward phrasings or cuts?
- Is the dialog fluid? Did it weave well with the actions and descriptions?
- Are the details vivid, engaging, and necessary?
- Were there certain parts that were boring and/or that seemed skippable?
- What are your overall general thoughts and impressions? Is there anything else that you'd like to specifically point out?
If you happen to be interested and knowledgeable in League lore, I'd also appreciate any thoughts on how I handled certain worldbuilding elements since I am doing my best to adhere to the established universe. The story takes place directly after the events of the short story "Bloodline".
If you'd like to critique my chapter, please PM me and I'll send the Google Docs link from there. I have the whole evening to read your chapter so I'll try to give the best critique I can in return. Thank you in advance.