After going through dozens of posts on this sub, I realized one of my childhood buddies was a pure-bred Kevin.

At one point I learned This One Awesome Trick where you could turn cheap vanilla ice cream into soft serve ice cream! Simply knead it with spoon long enough and it'll start to be less of a frozen cube of tastlenesness and more softer and tastier. Awesome!

Couple months go by and we're at his grandparents house, and of course there's ice cream to be had. Now, we cut our respective portions, I sit down and start chowing on that sweet sweet ice cream babe… and Keving walks over to the microwave oven, puts the bowl of ice cream inside, and turns the oven on. Full power.

"Okay… Well, Kevin is as impatient as he is smelly, so thats kind of smart. Couple seconds in oven makes it easier to knead." I figure.

But it wouldn't be Kevin if its something sensible.

Bowl is inside for nearly full minute.

Once Kevin is done cooking his ice cream, its pretty much a big bowl of milk with small, soft blob of ice cream in the center. That, he proceeds to mush it for two seconds and then eat/drink.

About then I realised he spends nearly half his time at grandparents, gets to eat ice cream and whatever always, and has cultivated his daily vanilla ice cream "soft serve" into its peak form.

Softer = better.

More softer = more better.

There's a logic there, even though a terrible one. And once Kevin put his mind into something, it quite easily filled all the available room mind had.

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Kevin grew up to be as Kevin as defined by this sub:

  • Always complaining how bad luck he has and everything seems to be against him. Even though never listens to anyone, never learns, never thinks and easily gives up.

  • Never admits his own fault. Recurring complaint was a stale bread the local grocery store sold. His parents pointed out the bread is fine, and would keep on being fine if Kevin would just close the bag after taking a slice. Nope. Kevin, ~19yo at the time, kept on being lazy ass and bread was stale because the grocery store sucked.

  • Always had to win. Kevin was three years senior and for years he played chess against grandpa. I, about 8 yo now, learn how to play from him and naturally a prime opponent to crush and never offer any advice. One year later I happen to read basic introduction to chess and soon after we have a round. Now, I wasnt that interested in chess so this was 5th game I ever played, 3 against him and one against computer. I proceed to corner Kevins king, but he could avoid complete mate by moving one step back and forth. This is considered a mate, but 9 year old kid doesnt know that. So we agreed its a tie. We never played again. I also am not any kind of chess prodigy.

  • Always complained not having a girlfriend. How about taking a shower without your mother ordering you to? Or lose that skinny fat gut, stop eating a 1kg bar of chocolate every day and walk the dogs more than 100m.

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Also, you're fucking 30. Stop living in your mommys basement. Literally. It kinda helps.

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