Preamble: Sorry in advance that it's so long! Since I joined this sub there was a person in my history that I've considered a good candidate for Kevindom, but I still can't decide if he was a natural-born Kevin or his lifetime goal of consuming all the marijuana in southern California influenced his Kevinosity to the point of belonging in another meme. I'll just post some of his best antics here and let you decide.

Background: I knew of Kevin before 11th grade and he was in a few classes from middle school, but I was stuck as being his chemistry lab partner in 11th Grade AP Chemistry. This was the highest of the three chem classes my school offered, but the regular Chemistry and Honors Chemistry classes were full when Kevin was getting his classes and he couldn't take Physics or Bio as they were either full or there was already "a history" between Kevin and those teachers. He didn't belong there, but he had to go somewhere and I won the reverse lottery. Kevin's nickname was "Pumpkin" not only because his complexion was slightly orange, but because he was seemingly as wide as he was tall. Think of Cartman from South Park, but this was before South Park was anything other than the original Christmas video being passed around Hollywood on VHS tapes. He at least acted like he liked that moniker. Kevin missed about 25% of the classes, either by not showing up early enough (it was the first class of the day, which started fairly early), or ditching after arriving at school to go get high with his friends.

Kevin discovers fire Early in the course we were given stations with an unlabeled chemical and various testing material to figure out what the chemical was: PH testing paper, some known chemicals to test for reactions, chromatograph materials, and a small alcohol burner and glassware to check boiling points. In some cases, the mystery chemical also burned. I asked the teacher if we could test for burning reactions (green flames, non-flammability, etc.) and he unfortunately said that was OK, since the chemicals were safe. I said unfortunately because Kevin heard that as being OK to test anything with fire. Things were burned: pencils, paper, a pinch of hair, binders; and before Kevin could be stopped he knocked over an alcohol burner spilling alcohol across a lab table and set it ablaze. For the record, that special coating they cover those tables with performed perfectly and the flames went out quickly with no damage. This was the third day of Chemistry and the first day of actually touching anything. Kevin was sent to the principal’s office for the first of many, many times. It was also the last day students were allowed to burn anything.

Kevin makes a bomb This story happened 2 or 3 years earlier, in middle-school Biology; but it was the same teacher we would have in Chemistry. We were doing some experiment with liver homogenate (basically, liver that's been through a blender) and hydrogen peroxide. You take a very small amount of the liver-liquid, put it on a tiny piece of paper, drop a drop of H2O2 on it and observe the bubbles that quickly form: hooray enzymes! Kevin likes reactions, so he took a dropper of homogenate and squirted it into a bottle of hydrogen peroxide and screwed the cap on tight. If you've seen those common brown bottles of peroxide, then imagine one that's so distended from internal pressure that the bottom is hemispherical and the top is growing white stress marks in the plastic. This happened towards the end of class and the teacher excused the class a minute early while he pondered how to move this thing without it exploding all over. He was able to do it somehow. No one ratted Kevin out for this, but after that no bulk-material was ever out during class. All chemicals were pre-measured out in droppers before students arrived.

Read:  Waterloo - 1970 Film Adaptation

Kevin the proto-Jessie Pinkman Kevin learned from a friend (or dealer) that meth could be manufactured with chemicals, unlike pot or coke or whatever that takes time and effort. He looked through the chemistry book for a chapter or page that would be labeled “Meth” (he never seemed to remember the full name) and was crushed when there wasn’t one. He asked me how to make it, but I had no idea and wouldn’t tell him if I did. At some point the class made the chemical that is used in urinal cakes. For whatever reason he thought it was meth, despite the name not containing the “amphetamine” at all. He ate some and he threw up. Kevin did not start a meth empire.

Kevin earns road rash Kevin and his stupid friends were driving around the neighborhood in a hatchback car (50+ in 25mph residential streets) and throwing stuff out the back of it; you know, for fun. When the driver hit a speed bump too fast an unbelted Kevin bonked his head and then rolled out of the back of the hatchback when the landing impact jarred the hatch open. He managed to hit the ground, roll, and come to a stop against a parked car with only some minor scrapes. His friends did what you’d expect: drove off and left him there. They told him afterwards what happened, since he never got his memory of that event back. They still were friends after that and Kevin thought it was funny.

Kevin the ball and chain Midway through the quarter they jumble the lab partners so that everyone is with someone else (to prevent one "team" from really being one good student and carrying the other). When the new list was posted everyone had a new partner, except for me and Kevin. I contained my rage until after class and asked the teacher why I was getting consecutive sentences for a crime I never committed. He said he wasn't worried about my grades, but I was probably the only person in the class that would be able to keep Kevin from doing some real harm to others or the classroom while still being able to do my own work. It was hinted that while I would probably get an A on the final exam, that it would be all but guaranteed if I stayed as his lab partner. Kevin missed skipped class most of that week and probably didn't notice that everyone else had switched partners.

Kevin poisons his brother This was 20 years ago or so, so I forget exactly why we had phenolphthalein in class, but I think it changed color in the presence of something and stayed clear when not in the presence of something. The chemistry book we used described each material and their structures and reactions and uses. Unfortunately the book mentioned that phenolphthalein is used in laxatives, usually the harsh kind, but in small amounts. Kevin decides to pocket one of the plastic droppers of the stuff and bring it home on Friday and give it to his brother as a prank. He doses his brother's Gatorade bottle and nearly sends him to the emergency room. In his words, his brother "shat an entire hallway" and he was being literal.

Read:  Stories about patheons and their deities were mostly shared by word of mouth and were sometimes even inconsistent and differed from culture to culture. How can historians know which myths were legit or relevant to that culture and which ones were out of touch from what the deities represented?

Kevin's brother finds out At the end of the year we're all passing around our yearbooks and I was ready for a little revenge for dealing with Kevin. I wrote, amongst all the other little messages so it wouldn't stand out: "I hope your brother doesn't find out about the laxative you gave him. Have a good summer!" The following year I didn't have any classes with him, but I saw him on campus and asked him about his yearbook. He said, "Yeah my brother saw that and beat the crap outta me. Still worth it!" He wasn't mad, so it all worked out.

Kevin laughs and the whole world stares like 'WTF?' There's "Slightly buzzed", "Under the influence", "High", "Really high", "High AF", and "High as Kevin". We were all used to Kevin being on one of those tiers from day to day, but one morning Kevin was well off the end of the scale. I'm not sure if he was seeing snakes and spiders but he was not his normal goofy and looked really intense and wasn't blinking. I turned to him in the middle of a lecture and with a serious face, held up my pencil and said, "Kevin. Green. Pencil." First he looked at me like I had just given him the formula that would save the universe from imminent doom, but then he let out a little stifled snort, then started to laugh, then louder, then louder, then it was full-blown out-of-control laughter like the Joker used some poison gas on him. He fell off his chair and was literally rolling back and forth on the ground and crying and struggling to breathe from laughing so hard. I look up at the teacher and class and they are just staring at the scene, frozen with bewilderment. I give them the "I have no idea what happened" shoulder shrug. The teacher had to call his name out 4 or 5 times before Kevin could pick himself up to crawl outside the door, where he continued to laugh for another 5-10 minutes straight.

Original link


Please enter your comment!
Please enter your name here