I worked with Kevin for several years. His profound ignorance in every field (including his job) was well known to all, but because management felt sorry for him, they kept him on the payroll. He was thoroughly incompetent as an HVAC mechanic, so despite being a journeyman, was only given the menial tasks usually assigned to first or second year apprentices (coil cleaning, belt and filter changes, basic monkey work).

Because nothing was expected of Kevin, he was rarely in a position to fuck anything up on the job. That is why all my stories of his "Kevin-ness" are not work-related.

  • Kevin was an unabashed racist. He particularly hated Indian people. When asked why, he said "because they stole the Taj Mahal". Kevin thought the Atlantic City casino was the original, and the actual Taj Mahal in India was a "cheap knockoff". He also believed this perceived slight was valid justification for hating an entire race of people.

  • Perhaps you are familiar with the phrase "six of one, half a dozen of the other, what's the difference?" Kevin firmly believed it was "sixty of one, a dozen of the other". When the actual phrase and its meaning were explained to him, Kevin refused to believe it. He said "it doesn't make any sense", but was unable to explain how his version somehow did make sense.

  • Kevin had never read a book. Never. He was actually rather proud of his "accomplishment". When asked how he got through high school without reading a single book, he claimed that he cheated a lot on tests, and after being held back twice, his parents made so many threats about suing the school for "discrimination" that they let him graduate just to be rid of him. Since Kevin was white and went to school in a predominantly-white town, I have no idea what the school was supposed to be "discriminating" against. Stupidity, perhaps?

  • Kevin was an extremely picky eater. The building we worked in had an excellent cafeteria, but Kevin would only eat the pepperoni sandwiches he brought from home. When asked why, he said he didn't like "all that weird stuff", which consisted of normal, cafeteria food. One day a co-worker offered Kevin some pepperoni from the cafeteria, and he refused it. His reasoning? Kevin didn't trust the <racial expletive deleted> to make his food. He truly believed they put "chemicals" in the cafeteria food that would turn him gay. Kevin was terrified of being "turned gay".

  • Kevin was initially provided with a company work truck, but because he couldn't be bothered to bring it in for regular maintenance (eventually leading to a blown engine after he drove it for nearly a year without an oil change), that privileged was revoked. Kevin's personal car had a bumper sticker which read "my other car is a beach buggy". When asked about the beach buggy, Kevin said he didn't have one – he just liked the sticker.

  • One day Kevin was mocking one of the electricians on site for being "retarded". Turns out the electrician (who was from Trinidad and had only been in the US a couple years) had gotten lost and driven six hours in the wrong direction, through three states, on what should have been a one hour road trip. While that was definitely a fuckup on his part, Kevin was being merciless about it. We decided to test Kevin's geography skills by making him fill out a map of the US with the state names removed. Just to be fair, everybody else took the same test (it was a slow day). Everybody else got at least 40 states, with most getting 45 or more. Kevin only correctly labeled 13 states. This man in his 30s, who was born and raised in NJ, was unable to correctly identify NY on a map. Kevin saw nothing wrong with this, because "why do I need to know where those states are? I'm never going there". I know for a fact he went to NY regularly.

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Eventually I moved on to another job. A few years later, one of the managers at my new company said they had a mechanic applying and he'd put me down as a reference. It was Kevin. I told the manager exactly the kind of employee and person Kevin was, and obviously, he wasn't hired.

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